A letter to my younger self....

I have read alot of blogs lately that had the idea of writing a letter to their younger self... I thought this would be a fun (and hilarous) thing to do.  So here goes nothing!

Dear 18 year old Jenn, sup girl!  This is the future writing to share a few things.  You probably won't listen to a word I say because you are stubborn and hard headed and think you know EVERYTHING there is to know about the world but I feel like I should at least try to help....

At 18 you are finishing up high school and preparing for that last summer at home before going off to college.  You have applied at UNM (University near mom) because you have no clue what you want to do with your life.  You recently started dating a guy who you think could surly be the love of your life (not so fast there Jenny Sue!) Soooooo what do you decide to do??? Follow him and his two closest friends down to Las Cruces to attend New Mexico State...smartest decision of your life! 

You will date this guy seriously for the first couple of years of college.  You will join a sorority with your sister when you turn 19.  You will learn the ins and outs of what its like to be a genuine person and also how to fake it.  During your sophomore year you and this guy will break up for good (although you always seem to have your "hook ups" throughout the next couple of years.) You will feel jaded from being dumped by the love of your life.  I assure you, he is not the love of your life.  While he grows up to be a very decent man, he was douche in college. Seriously! (No offense dude!) 

You will casually date for the rest of college.  Do more of that.  Boyfriends are great, they give you that warm, fuzzy, secure feeling but you have a LONG time to be secure.  We are sitting in the eighth year of being with our husband and I will tell you that it's wonderful to cross that finish line but for the love of God have fun before you get there!  College is the only time in your life that you can act like that.  Once you graduate you will be expected to get a job and be a responsible adult (bleh!).  At no other point in your life will you be allowed to take afternoon naps after your one class of the day (that most of the time you don't go to because you are too hung over to get your butt out of bed), get dressed in a super skanky outfit, drink too much and pass out in random rooms in your dorm while making out with some guy you meet "across the boarder".  These types of actions are typically frowned upon in the "adult" world.  Please note that I am not encouraging you to sleep around I am just telling you to be smart and have some fun.  At an appropriate parenting age you will have two beautiful children and will greatly appreciate being able to pee without a burning sensation.

And while we are on the subject of men, please be more careful with our heart.  There are 100 douche bags out there for one decent guy.  Don't sell yourself short you deserve better.  The d-bags are super cute and very exciting but that kind of fun can only be sustained for a short period of time.  Learn to realize when the party has ended and leave before your heart gets trampled on.  Too many tears are shed as a result of these a-holes.  Not worth your time Jenn!

But there will be ONE that is....and after a successful long-distance relationship we will marry him and it will be the best and most fun wedding you have ever attended (of course!)  Do us a favor though...be patient with him.  Don't expect him to be perfect....especially after our first child is born.  He tries his best.  He is a wonderful father and adding a baby to your relationship will prove incredably difficult.  Anyone who thinks that having a baby will save their relationship is an idiot.  You will often consider killing the baby, yourself or your husband all in one breath!  Restrain please it gets better.  

Flip through those stacks of old photos you have.  See all those smiling girlfriends?  A vast majority of them will remain good friends and have a kick ass dance party at our wedding.  We will have these ladies in our life for a very long time and I am very happy to tell you not much has changed over the years.  Encourage and nuture these relationships for they pull you through rough waters.  As you get married and have babies you will need these women to catch you when you stuble, and you will stumble trust me on this!  In fact I would say some days get pretty bad.  I don't want to spoil the end of the book but the whole marriage and mom thing is not as easy as you thought it may be.  Call your friends and don't be ashamed to ask for help and advice.  You would do the same for them in a heartbeat and they love you for this.

Be nicer to your parents.  They really want what is best for you and you finally realize this when you have kids of your own.  I don't know how else to explain it to you, other then you just have to blindly trust that your parents will be a huge support for you later.  Your kids will adore them and through their eyes you will realize they were amazing parents (yes even your silly dad is pretty great too)  Be especially nice to your mom.  Once you become one you'll know why this is crtical to follow.  No one will ever love you like your mother does.

Even as I write down this advice I really don't want much to change.  Friends and family will always be the most important to you and with my great advice those bonds can only grow stronger.  Our parents will still love us despite being a raging bitch at times.  Those waste of space guys and those who truly touch a part of your heart will make you a better mom and wife and make you a more confident person that our husband falls in love with.  We grow into a pretty kick ass person....just dont screw it up!

Questions to ask my monsters I mean children :)

Dear Grace and Noah,

Mommy has some questions for you that I would love some answers to....

Grace you are first!

1. Do you realize when you a pitch a fit to eat the food on MY plate that it's the exact same thing on your plate?  Seriously its the exact same! Nothing special for me.  I'm not depriving you of something glorious I PROMISE!

2. Why do you find it necessary to squirm and reach for anything and everything when I'm trying to change your diaper? Especially when it's a poopy diaper...I don't want that shit (literally) on my hands thank you very much!

3. Why must you put every little thing that you find on the ground into your mouth??? I mean seriously I'm pretty sure cat hair is not a staple in your diet!

4. Why do you laugh at every single thing that your brother does? Seriously stop encouraging him :)

5. Why do you insistent on pulling my hair as hard as your can when it is down? Or grabbing my face or my eyes (they don't come off trust me!)

6. Why do you cry at the top of your lungs and then when I say Grace I'm right here smile that big smile?

7. And last but not least....Do you understand how much I love you?  Are you happy? Do you miss me and daddy when you are at school?

And now on to Noah!

1. Why do you put up a fight every single night at bedtime? Is it really that bad to lay down in a comfortable bed and peacefully fall asleep?

2. Why do you lust after toys and then when the toy is purchased for you, you suddenly lose interest?

3. Why are you suddenly DYING of thirst the moment I have poured a drink for myself and had a seat?

4. Why do you play with your penis 24/7!  Its ALWAYS going to be there you don't have to keep checking for it!

5. Why is volume control such a difficult concept for you to understand? I CAN HEAR YOU!

6. Why is it you can do endless laps around the house but the moment I ask you to help clean up you are suddenly reduced to a pile of mush on the floor who can no longer walk?

7. And last but not least do you know how incrediably sensitive and kind you are when you want to be?  Do you know how very proud I am to be your mom? Do you know how happy you make me?

Mi Vida Loca

So Gracie is almost a year old. I can't believe we are getting to that stage. But some days I don't even feel like I know her yet. I have an amazing relationship with Noah. Now that he is 3.5 he can tell me what he wants and how he feels. He can tell me jokes and say that he loves me. He is quirky and sweet and knows just how to push my buttons to drive me crazy. At ten months old our Grace is an amazing baby. She is so happy and joyful to be around. And if you ask me just the most adorable thing EVER! I love her. I love to take care of her and dote on her. But the way I feel is somehow different then I did with Noah. Some of the excitement has worn off and I feel like it's a struggle daily to maintian the wonder I once felt when I held my firstborn in my arms.

I know that Grace doesn't know what is means to be a little person yet. She is so calm and mild-mannered that at times we forget she is even in the room. Except I don't want to forget. I want to know her like I knew Noah. I want her to know me....I remember when Noah was this age. Everything and everyday was devoted to learning about him, entertaining him and teaching him new things. These days my attention is divided. I feel guilty about this but I know this is how it has to be when there is more then one child. Not even Noah gets that kind of one on one attention anymore. And that is ok...different and hard at times but ok. I just want to make sure that I know Gracie like I knew Noah. I hope we are getting there....

I wonder if this is normal? Perhaps the fact that we have done this before has had an affect on me. These "firsts", while there are still first for Grace they are not first for me as a mother. And that to me seems horribly unfair to her. To think that our first child got all the excitment of new parents and all the applause and googly eyes we had to offer from not only from us but his grandparents as well. Gracie on the other hand gets a mom who is tired and frazzled and counting down the hours till naptime. And grandparents that have done this before... This just doesn't seem right. But at the same time I hold on to hope that someday we will just click.

I have been trying hard to make an effort to be present in the moments with both of my kids because I feel like I get busy and I forget that these two amazing human beings are just here, watching my every move and trusting me to show them the world. I say I am making an effort because I do have to make myself do it. So often its easy to yell over my shoulder to wait a second or just yell instructions because I'm too busy to look up. Too BUSY! Geez Jenn really! Adjusting to life with two kids is happening everyday whether I like it or not. Some days are of course busier then others. I just pray that our children will know that we value not only hard work but also making great memories together. I want them to reall know me because I spent their childhood treating them to moments of my undivided attention. I want to know them.

I can’t believe almost a whole year has gone by. In many ways, I have been in a fog trying to figure all of this out. Trying to be in the moment. Trying to forget other moments. But we are doing it. And I adore both of my kids and their daddy. This little family is the thing that keeps me going and the thing that stops me in my tracks. We are adjusting because honestly, what other choice do we have? We are not perfect. We are not a storybook, but our story is just that, ours. And I am beyond grateful to be a part of it.

10 months

Always talking

Dear Gracie,

You are 10 months old today! Where has the time gone!  I feel like for the longest time I was wishing this year away because it is such a big and crazy adjustment going from one to two kids, but I look back and realize just how much I have tried to treasure each moment that I get to spend with you and watch you grow.  Your personality is really shining through now.  You are pretty layed back compared to your brother BUT you will tell us with a loud scream when you want our attention.  It makes me laugh everytime because you do this fake cry thing and as soon as I say "whats wrong Gracie" you give this huge smile.  You are too cute sometimes!

Not much has changed since last month except that you now have 4 top teeth!  Its been a rough couple of weeks for you but you were such a trouper!  4 teeth at one time!!! WOW!  You are rolling and scooting all over the place and just this morning you got to your knees and starting rocking.  You will be crawling anyday now and I am so proud of you little girl!!!

You laugh all the time and it's the best sound ever!  You laugh at daddy when he kisses you and laugh all the time at your brother who is constantly trying to entertain you.  Its going to be an interesting household with two Leos fighting for attention!

Your daddy and I love to watch you explore and become excited about the littlest things.  You bring such great joy to our home and have completed our little family just right!  We love you our little Gracie Poo

Love Mommy

PS You have slept through the night since the day you turned 9 months old...I am in HEAVEN :P

This is the beautiful smile and facial expressions that make her so sweet!