Mi Vida Loca

So Gracie is almost a year old. I can't believe we are getting to that stage. But some days I don't even feel like I know her yet. I have an amazing relationship with Noah. Now that he is 3.5 he can tell me what he wants and how he feels. He can tell me jokes and say that he loves me. He is quirky and sweet and knows just how to push my buttons to drive me crazy. At ten months old our Grace is an amazing baby. She is so happy and joyful to be around. And if you ask me just the most adorable thing EVER! I love her. I love to take care of her and dote on her. But the way I feel is somehow different then I did with Noah. Some of the excitement has worn off and I feel like it's a struggle daily to maintian the wonder I once felt when I held my firstborn in my arms.

I know that Grace doesn't know what is means to be a little person yet. She is so calm and mild-mannered that at times we forget she is even in the room. Except I don't want to forget. I want to know her like I knew Noah. I want her to know me....I remember when Noah was this age. Everything and everyday was devoted to learning about him, entertaining him and teaching him new things. These days my attention is divided. I feel guilty about this but I know this is how it has to be when there is more then one child. Not even Noah gets that kind of one on one attention anymore. And that is ok...different and hard at times but ok. I just want to make sure that I know Gracie like I knew Noah. I hope we are getting there....

I wonder if this is normal? Perhaps the fact that we have done this before has had an affect on me. These "firsts", while there are still first for Grace they are not first for me as a mother. And that to me seems horribly unfair to her. To think that our first child got all the excitment of new parents and all the applause and googly eyes we had to offer from not only from us but his grandparents as well. Gracie on the other hand gets a mom who is tired and frazzled and counting down the hours till naptime. And grandparents that have done this before... This just doesn't seem right. But at the same time I hold on to hope that someday we will just click.

I have been trying hard to make an effort to be present in the moments with both of my kids because I feel like I get busy and I forget that these two amazing human beings are just here, watching my every move and trusting me to show them the world. I say I am making an effort because I do have to make myself do it. So often its easy to yell over my shoulder to wait a second or just yell instructions because I'm too busy to look up. Too BUSY! Geez Jenn really! Adjusting to life with two kids is happening everyday whether I like it or not. Some days are of course busier then others. I just pray that our children will know that we value not only hard work but also making great memories together. I want them to reall know me because I spent their childhood treating them to moments of my undivided attention. I want to know them.

I can’t believe almost a whole year has gone by. In many ways, I have been in a fog trying to figure all of this out. Trying to be in the moment. Trying to forget other moments. But we are doing it. And I adore both of my kids and their daddy. This little family is the thing that keeps me going and the thing that stops me in my tracks. We are adjusting because honestly, what other choice do we have? We are not perfect. We are not a storybook, but our story is just that, ours. And I am beyond grateful to be a part of it.